Four Relationship Destroyers

Could You Be Harming Your Relationship? 

When we are fighting with our loved ones it can be painful and frustrating to say the least. But what if you are doing something that is contribute to damaging relationships.  Do you even realize your behaviors are hurting your relationship?  Would you change what you are doing? Too often we don't realize how damaging our reactions and behaviors can be to our relationships. Iwill give a quick overview about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is a term created by Dr. John Gottman to describe problematic areas in relationships that can destroy them. Dr. Gottman has been able to tell with more than 90% accuracy whether a relationship can succeeded or fall apart based on these four items. So what are these Four Horsemen of the Apocalypses?

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong: Typically using generalizations such as  “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”
2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her: - Insults and name-calling: “ fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy"  and so forth.  Hostile humor such as  sarcasm or mockery. Your  body language  and tone of voice such as  sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip are all different forms of contempt. 
3. Defensiveness: This is seeing your self as the victim with intent to ward off a perceived attack: Ways we do this is making excuses such as external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way. “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…” Or another common form of defensiveness in relationships is cross-complaining. This is where you meet your partner's complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said - Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” “I did this because you did that…” - Yes, but...start off agreeing but end up disagreeing . Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying  or whining about fairness.  
4. Stonewalling: This is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:  Stony silence, changing the subject, or removing yourself physically are all ways of stonewalling.  This is the "silent treatment." 

Below is a quick video that The Gottman Institute created that talks about The Four Horsemen. I encourage you to challenge yourself if you find you are doing some of these behaviors.

Jenivee Akalis, LCSW  is the owner and a licensed clinician social worker at Healing Steps Counseling in Lehi Utah. Healing Steps Counseling helps distant couples, struggling teens, and individuals who want to improve their lives. To schedule an appointment go to www.healingstepsutah.com